Saturday, July 27, 2013

Late carnival nights, a day of day dreaming and early serving mornings

It is late...but yet I am feeling the need to write. And a chance to get this storm of thoughts out of my busy mind.
Earlier today my mother, Britney and I went to church to meet up with our team for an outreach for the homeless.
Even though we have been going to this church for over  a year now, we know no one. Our only friends there are the weekly greeters, Beetle and Marty, in which they welcome us each week with a hug as if we were their family.
Our group is called "Bags of Love".  We separated into our cars and drove to the park where we would set up a buffet of toiletries and a meal of hotdogs, chips and sodas.
Our outreach was a flop. There was maybe 25 people that showed up at most. This was due to a scheduling conflict. The Convoy of Hope was also happening today- which is another outreach for the homeless- and it happens every year. Therefore, that's where everyone was.
There was one elderly homeless man that stayed the whole time. His name was Dan and I played checkers with him the entire time we were there.
It was an interesting experience. When I invited him to come play checkers with me, I expected that we might play a game or two and he would be on his way, but every time a game was over, he would reset the board.
There were things he said I wish he hadn't gotten into....He kept calling me girlfriend and saying that he wished he had a wife like me. He told me I had pretty paws (hands..I assumed) and that I had a pretty braid and pretty eyes. He told me that I would make a dead man roll over in his grave one hundred and fifty times. He told me that he had good taste in women. And other things I would rather not mention. Somethings he said made me furious on the inside. But what could I do? I just smiled and laughed- which is usually the best way to respond....right? I don't know!
What I encountered today didn't reassure me that my feelings for the homeless should change.
  Is it wrong that I've always felt uneasy around homeless people? They may have good hearts but my inner instinct tells me to stay away. I'm trying to battle that feeling. I'm not so sure if it's right or not.
But as I said, nothing of today would convince me otherwise. It was exactly what I would expect from them- though I try not to turn stereo- typical of them.
Dan told me that there were probably dozens of guys after me. I smiled in response but my mind wandered otherwise. There are absolutely no boys in interest or pursuit of me.

During the day I picked back up my book I had started yesterday(which I finished today). 'A Pearl Among Princes'
I started it late yesterday evening and didn't want to put it down! I toyed with the thought of staying up late and reading more, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I knew I was going to need energy to tackle this day to get out of my comfort zone at the outreach.
As I read the book today, I found myself swooning. Especially as Mackree threw Pearl into his arms and kissed her! And I found myself praying to God to please send me a Mackree. Someone to pursue me. My mind and heart has been tackling each other all day today.
My heart wants someone to love, but my mind knows there's more to life than love and that I have so much to offer to the world and that boys are silly things for later days. This is why I don't think I've gotten into romance novels beforehand. I knew I would find myself on the brink of confusion and wanting out of this silly world. Oh why, why why why can't my life be living in a fairytale with charming princes, and a dear, dear Mackree?
Why can't the love in real life be so true to those in fairytales? These silly thoughts make me all the more lonely.

I found myself praying late last night, as I wrestled for sleep. I was praying for a little sibling. I was praying for a guy friend like Mackree to care for me and to just be there. Why was I doing that? I was so lonely. The reality of Britney going to college is starting to kick in. I have no playmate anymore. And as of late, I have found myself rather lonely. I imagined that I shared a room with a little sister and I had smuggled a large mason jar full of my family's favorite popcorn inside. I invited her on my bed and we share the treat together, trying not to giggle.

Why am I acting so strange lately?

I need a large slap of reality.

Reality always hurts.

Especially after a very good book. It is always very hard to realize that the modern world is still my reality.

We left the house this evening around 8:30pm to go to my Uncle and Aunt's place. They live near our town's local carnival. Tonight is their closing night, and every year they set off fireworks.
We walk from their house to a nice patch of grass and wait for the fireworks. The announcer says they won't be going off until 10:30pm. We have so long to wait! It was earlier last year...

I found myself drifting off about thinking of a Mackree of my own again. A cool breeze falls over me and I shudder from the sudden chill. A constant wind whips across my face, I think of the ocean and the breeze that rides over the waves. Yes, that is what that breeze reminded me of. I imagine the sound that the cars make as they pass is the waves hitting the shore and reeling back to the ocean.
I close my eyes and can almost believe that I'm actually there.

Oh! What is wrong with me?
A Mackree of my own fills my thoughts again. This is so foolish to daydream of boys. I am getting older, so it's not like these thoughts are unexpected. But no one special fills my thoughts. So I think of one nonexistent. I do believe that I haven't met my prince charming yet. There is no one I know that I would even think of marrying...besides one. But I know he will find someone else. And are my feelings for him even sincere?
He has dropped hints of toying with the thought of pursuing me. But hasn't done anything.
He's been the boldest I know yet though. But there is nothing in me whispering that's the one.

I must stop these thoughts. Or I will just be a complete mess.
Daydreaming is wonderful, oh, so wonderful. But false and deceiving.
I must brush off my knees and move on.

The fireworks go off and I found myself interested for a few minutes, but then I couldn't wait for them to be over so I could go home.
The smoke overwhelmed the blinking lights of the Ferris wheel and the Scrambler as if it was a heavy morning fog. It almost looked beautiful.


  1. My dear girl, I feel for you. I too have struggled with the same thoughts. I am only now realizing how much fun I can have as single for God before my prince comes. And still I have to remind myself.

  2. Aww...yes. I think we're exactly on the same page. I'm convincing myself that I can have so much fun without having to worry about a boyfriend just yet. Like drawing and painting for instance.